news aggregator
July 27, 2008
Release Date: 7/27/2006
Legend of the Seas - December 23, 2007 - 7 night Southern Caribbean.
Junior Suite $2399 per person
Balcony cat D1 at $1599 per person
Oceanview cat F at $1449 per person
Inside cat J at $1169 per person
Inside cat Q at $999 per person
Featuring: SANTO DOMINGO, ST. MAARTEN, GRENADA, MARGARITA ISLAND VENEZUELA, ARUBA SANTO DOMINGO.
For more information visit www.rccl.com or email info@mustcruise.com to book today!
June 17, 2007
June 16, 2007
Release Date: 6/16/2007
Travel and Cruise Jokes
We all need to have fun some time! We're going to limit ourselves to cruise and travel jokes, just to keep our focus. Hope you enjoy this section!
We'd welcome joke submissions from our readers! Please send us some jokes: you don't know how hard it is to find good travel jokes. Just send us an e-mail admin@cruise-reviews.com and we'll take care of the rest. Standard attribution is your first name and the city where you live, but we'd be happy to include more about you......
We look forward to having some fun on this page!
~~~~~
Sighting from a Cruise Ship
The passengers on a cruise ship were fascinated by the sight of a bedraggled, bearded man on a small island. The ship passed slowly by as he desparately shouted and waved his arms.
"Who is that person on the island?" one of the passengers asked a ship's officer...
"I have no idea," mused the officer "but every year when we pass that island he goes crazy."
~~~~~
True (?) Quotes from Flight Attendants
Occasionally, airline attendants attempt to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.....unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
And last, but not least, one of our personal experiences: On an otherwise uneventful flight from New York to Chicago, the plane was rolling smoothly to the terminal. As always happens, one person clicked his seat belt open, and started a chain reaction of other passengers doing the same thing. Sure enough, the intercom clicked on, and we prepared ourselves for the inevitable standard warning to stay in our seats with our belts fastened until the aircraft was safely at a complete stop. Instead, the flight attendant, as if speaking to a two year old said in a sing-song voice: "No, no, no-oh!" People were still chuckling when they left the plane.
Provided by Rudy from Belgium
~~~~~
The Pilot with less than 20/20 vision
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this... All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
Provided by Mary from North Haven, CT
~~~~~
The Cruise Ship Magician
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat,"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table,"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said "OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"
Provided by Marnie from Seattle, WA
~~~~~
Traveling by Air
On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW,WA,PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?!" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your privates are under your pillow."
Submitted by Adidastar
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in ATLANTA. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says,"I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No....."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"
Submitted by WaxZCar
~~~~~
"One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down." -- Steven Wright
Observations...
I finally figured out what 'Delta' stands for:
Don't Expect Legroom on This Airline.
~~~~~
While sitting in the upper deck business class front seat of a Cathay Pacific 747 in Taipei, the following announcement was heard over the cabin PA system:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are overbooked and are offering anyone $1,000 plus a seat on the next flight in exchange for their seat on this flight."
After a short pause, the offer was loudly accepted by someone in the cockpit.
~~~~~
The FAA issued a new security measure starting January 1, 2000. On every flight over two hours the pilots will have their picture taken every 15 minutes to make sure they are alert and in place. Here is a picture of some pilots adhering to the new security check:
Submitted by Seps32
~~~~~
Air Traffic Controllers
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airliners and control towers from around the world:
The controller, working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f***ing bored!".
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"
- Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." (124.7 would be the radio frequency for Departure Control).
- Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
- Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
- Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff Roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in my sights.
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes I have, Ground - in 1944. In another type of Boeing. I didn't stop."
~~~~~
You Know It's a "No Frills" Airline When...
Submitted by Cicec
They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
~~~~~
You know it's a no frills airline when...
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
~~~~~
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get underway. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane moves down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardess for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborn.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
~~~~~
Another Federal Police Force??
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private
investigator, Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service (SS) .
Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. Now Congress is considering a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."
Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs? "F A T A S S"
~~~~~
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the pilot made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Dead silence followed.
After a few minutes, the pilot came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. But, while I was speaking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled the coffee all over my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach shouted back, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
